Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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