tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
