The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
