i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Randomize
