I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
smell my finger.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
