i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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