I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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