I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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