Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
