If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
