I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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