god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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