The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Randomize
