new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
