I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
