i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
