if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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