I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
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