I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
