What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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