he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
