I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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