Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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