Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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