I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
