my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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