That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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