Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Randomize
