I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
