i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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