I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
