is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Still dying that you shit outside
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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