Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
