Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
me + whiskey = a bad person
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
