i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
