So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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