The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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