i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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