Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
