I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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