i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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