What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Randomize
