last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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