I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Randomize
