He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Randomize
