when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Sorry my hands just texted you
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
