Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
