I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
