Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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