The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
